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Rupert Murdoch can suck my ballz [Feb. 13th, 2007|04:26 pm]
Is my memory really slipping?
maybe I just need to get more sleep..

when you're depressed for long periods of time.. your memories and interactions are all tainted with the feeling.. the experience of places, activities, individuals and situations all become intertwined with the anxiety and anguish. Eventually your whole world serves to box you in to the prison of your own mind...

There's always a way out, of course, but the longer you're there, the more difficult escape becomes.
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To my friend [Oct. 21st, 2006|04:01 am]
We all go through some serious shit sometimes bro.
Do not be afraid.
There is nothing you don’t know that makes you guilty
You are free.
Let go and know we go psycho
But let’s decide upon an agreed reality.
We can never know for certain
The paths others have chosen
Or the righteousness of the path we’ve chosen for ourselves.
We can do our best and forgive each other
for everything that we can comprehend.
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dusty ding dong [May. 4th, 2006|10:47 am]
[feeling |indescribable]

anyone still use this anymore?

or did everyone graduate to myspace whores?


I feel like i've aged a lot in the last year or two.. which sucks, but I also see a clearer pattern forming through all the chaos.. I feel change coming, which I usually thrive on, but I can't deny that the tinge of fear this time.
Generally, fear is lessening, which incites the fearful to do their best to put it back in you, to justify their own.
When they discover this lack of fear, they will do what they can to inspire it.

I've gotten to watch a beautiful human being grow, and continue to grow, and view the world with fresh eyes.. which has inspired me more than I could have imagined.
I experienced a great deal of mental stress and retained my sanity. I made it to the middle of nowhere, swam in the ocean and kissed a stingray. I've created beautiful things and observed many more. I'm still alive.

The structures are in place, there's no way to break them down and re-build the foundation anymore. Now comes the delicate balancing act of trying to keep them from toppling over..
When they do topple over, which they will, I'll realize they were only an illusion all along.
But I loved the illusion and I loved creating the structures, and maybe I could love watching them be destroyed.

mid-day tally:
soul 2
work 5
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time to understand the monster [May. 12th, 2005|01:38 pm]
[feeling |guiltyguilty]

Another semester over, another month, week, day, minute, moment closer to whatever it is I'm heading towards.
The tricycle of society rolls past my window. The wheels of money, love and pussy keep turning.. few seem to care where it's headed, or why, as long as they get a ride.

My disdain grows proportional to my understanding. All I can do is try to turn that into positive energy somehow and be the necessary change. I have lost myself the last several months but I can feel who I am returning, slowly, but stronger than before. I will try to keep my actions limited to those I can be proud of now that the difference is clearer.
I look forward experiencing pain, because I know if I can feel that, I can experience happiness also.

So many issues, so little time.. might as well save what I can, format and install a fresh OS.
My mind is so fucking cluttered these days, I could definitely use a bit of a defragging..
IF ya know what I mean... and I think ya do.

back to gettin' rich.

Hopefully the $3000 I loaned Dan to throw a party in Cali was a good investment.. He said the first time the venue owners stole it from him, so I figure I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and go ahead and toss him another 3k..

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... ahhh.... that peice of shit.
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OMFG [Feb. 1st, 2005|02:02 pm]
[feeling |nauseatednauseated]

Oh my fucking god.

look at this.

I think I'll get one of these for my desk at work.
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Thank you for being a friend. [Jan. 26th, 2005|10:05 am]
[feeling |okayokay]

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Motivation... motivation? [Jan. 17th, 2005|01:11 pm]
[feeling |contemplativecontemplative]

wherefore art thou, Motivation?

inspiration - motivation = frustrated stagnation.

someone slipped me a mickey and I pissed in an empty clothes hamper the other night.
At least I made it home.

So a friend of mine skips school the other day and therefore doesn't give a ride to a friend of his who ended up driving himself to school and on the way hits and kills another friend of mine's brother, who was walking in the middle of an icy road early that morning.
Crazy shit.

In other news.. The Walkerton Truck stop Welco's burnt down last night. My mom and sister had both worked there at one time. My friends grandpa worked there until a couple weeks ago when he tested the temperature of the chili by sticking his finger in it (in front of a health inspector no less... doh!). Needless to say, he got fired with the quickness. I have lot's of memories of that place. Never had the chili, but they did have really good milkshakes.

and time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'... decaying things to make room for new growth, killing things to make room for new life... always stealing our attention from the present, which is really all we have.
Friendships fade, new ones form... habits begin and end... emotional wounds heal or fester and become infected.
What do we have when it all comes down to it?
when our temporary material posessions are stripped away..
when we are alone with our memories, beliefs, fears, loves and hates, completely void of external stimuli and the company of others.
When we step outside of our impermanent vessel for a moment
Then we see ourselves for what we really are..
just a bunch of punk-ass bitches.
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baby pics [Jan. 12th, 2005|10:12 am]
Here are a few pictures of me, Jamie and the baby.

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It's a girl! [Jan. 3rd, 2005|09:28 am]
[feeling |happyhappy]

Gabrielle Elise VanWanzeele
Born 12/31/04 8:20 p.m.
9lbs. 5 oz.
21 1/2 inches long.
She has dark blue eyes and sandy blonde hair (as of today) and is rediculously beautiful.

Baby and mommy are both healthy and happy.

I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them.
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no love, no hate, no fear, no discretion [Dec. 30th, 2004|11:43 am]
[feeling |rejuvenatedrejuvenated]

Some people love to be depressed, others love being happy,
some people love instant gratification more than long-term satisfaction, so that's what they will get.
Some people love to want things, more than they love receiving them.
Some people revel in the despiration they bring upon themselves.
Some people love to be opressed and discriminated against.
Some people prefer lonliness, even when it hurts.
People are the way they are, whatever that is, because they want to be.
It's all a matter of which illusion they picked as their reality. It's sad so few people can see beyond that.
Even sadder that most people think they know so much more than they do, and close their senses to that which they do not want to perceive.
When they are forced to perceive it, they'll twist their belief about the nature of it in order to fit into their own flawed perspective on things, rather than change their perspective on things to more accurately represent reality.
Ignorance is bliss only for the feeble minded.

I don't understand why people are so scared of dying, when it's so rare to see someone really living.
It amazes me how people tend to overestimate the significance of their lives, while underestimating the power they have over them.
Any action motivated by fear is disgusting to me. Maybe that's why I have such a problem with the current US Government, but I won't get into that anymore. Truth always works it's way to the surface eventually.
Lies tell the truth, just not directly, but you're not supposed to believe them at face value.. dumbasses.
I've pretty much conceded to let things cave in rather than bust my ass to try and explain why they are going to.
You can't show someone something they don't want to see.
who knows.. maybe I'm crazy. But I have nothing left to do but take my craziness and run with it, because it's all that makes sense to me.

People are cattle, the media is a cattleprod and fear is the charge.

beef.. it's what's for dinner.
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